A SCENE FROM LYSISTRATA

Woman               
Well, men, time for us to trot off. And remember, the word is “men.”  That’s the word we’ve got to use all the time from now on.  Don’t forget that because our life will be in great peril if we get caught dressed up like this and for such a secretive venture.

WE ARE MEN

WOMEN
We are men, we like to spit
we like to drink and other shit
Let’s be off, to the assemb-a-lee
Where we'll make laws and history

We piss standing up, we like it too
Our mouths are open when we chew.
‘cause we are men, and that’s our bit
We like to piss and other shit.

We don’t cover our mouths when we sneeze
Do you have breasts that we could squeeze?
‘cause we are men, we sure like tits
We like them lots and other shit.

We’re to be there by the dawn, so don’t be late
After we get our tickets at the gate
We’ll sit together as one big group
so no one will be left out of the loop

We are men, and we're on our way
We’ll vote together on this day
And make new laws that we see fit
We’ll change the rules and other shit.

(All the women exit)

( Blepyrus enter) . He is wearing a long fine, lacy, white, ladies’ shawl over his shoulders and women’s shoes.  He has just got up out of bed.   His face is twisted with pain and he has an enormously anxious look on his face. He is trying to control his bowel.)

Blepyrus
What on earth is going on around here? Where has my wife run off to?
(Looks around him.) It’s damned near dawn and I still can’t find her.
There I was, wide awake half the bloody night, desperate for a shit, desperately struggling to find my shoes and cloak in the dark, searching everywhere - but everywhere!-  and nothing!  I couldn’t find a thing.  In the meantime, I gotta take a crap…bad. You know, regularity is a much-undervalued trait.  What could I do?  I grabbed my wife’s cute little shawl and her cute little Persian slippers and rushed out here looking for a place to shit!   Oh man, I gotta go!

(He looks around anxiously. Runs off Stage Left, farts and immediately runs back on stage again. Still anxiously, he sits down mid-stage to shit.)

At night, anywhere is all right because no one can see you.

But then he peers into the audience, feels uncomfortable, farts, gets up and rushes out Stage Right.  More farting before he rushes back on stage again, anxiously holding his bum.

(Looks around for his wife).  Wherever my wife went it wouldn’t be healthy for our relationship, I can tell you that for sure (He calls out) Lysistrata! Lysistrata!...  Anyway, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

(He rushes back to Stage Right.  Again more farting, some groaning and the final herald of evacuation.Pause. He enters the stage, still feeling “pressed” however.  He obviously did not manage to ease himself totally.  He holds his stomach tightly. From the opposite house we hear the creaking of the window shutters opening.  Slowly we see the neighbor Cinesias.. He is holding a lamp which he waves about trying to see into the street.)

                    Cinesias
Who is it? Who’s there? (Waves the lamp and peers into the darkness) I don’t suppose it’s my neighbour Blepyrus, is it?  Surely not! (Peers some more.)
(Blepyrus is trying to escape but he’s unsuccessful. He is still gripping his stomach).
By Zeus, it IS the very man! Blepyrus! (Peers some more. )What the hell are you wearing?

Blepyrus
I wish I could tell you. 

Cinesias
Why didn’t you ask your wife to tell you where it is? Women are good at that kind of shit.

Blepyrus
 No, by Zeus, I couldn’t ask her. She snuck out on me.

Cinesias
(Also begins to confess awkwardly). Eh… Same damned thing happened to me, by Zeus!  Same thing exactly!  My woman took off with my coat. I love that coat! That coat was like a child to me.  I mean, I love that coat.  If my house was on fire and I could only bring one thing with me, it would be that coat. I really love that coat.

                Blepyrus
Man you really love that coat, don't you?

                Cinesias
I really love that coat.

                Blepyrus
He's loves the coat.

                Cinesias
I love the coat. AND!... she’s taken my boots as well! Couldn’t find them anywhere!

Blepyrus
Me too!   Nowhere to be found, nowhere to be seen! But I just had to have a …well, you know, do my business, so I’ve just slipped into these little high heels and rushed out here. I couldn’t very well shit in our blanket, I’ve just had it washed.

Cinesias
I wonder what’s going on?  Perhaps some friend of hers invited them for breakfast.

Blepyrus
Aha! That’s most probably what it is!

Cinesias
Oh, well. I’ve got to go to Parliament now.  But, I guess I'll have to go without my coat.

Blepyrus:
(Holding his stomach tightly and anxiously).  Me, too.  As soon as I… finish my… as soon as I get rid of… .  (He lets out a fart that lasts about 15 seconds)

(Cinesias, chuckles, waves good bye and goes back inside his house.)

Blepyrus
(To the audience)
I don’t feel so good.   (Anxiously peering into the crowd) Is there a doctor in the house?  Can someone go and get me one?  (In prayer) Oh, Ilithia!  Goddess of the pregnant womb!  I beg you! Don’t ignore my pain! Here I sit, trying to shit but the gate’s shut and bolted! 
(Blepyrus squats and looks around him. He tightens his face as he tries variously to evacuate.  Occasionally he’ll check to see whether he’s done anything. Time passes as the light on the stage increases gently. Two actors come on with cut-outs of the sun and the moon and move them across the sky This goes on. Suddenly he realizes he’s about to be freed of his burden.  He picks up the lengthy shawl and runs behind the curtain on Stage Right. Enter Chremes Stage Left, carrying a shopping bag. He looks across and sees Blepyrus.)

Chremes
Whoa, whoa whoa! Whoa! Whoa!   What do you think you’re doing down there!  (Suddenly shocked by the realization) You’re NOT dropping a load, are you? (We hear the loud noise of the long anticipated evacuation.  Then, with a look of relief on his face, he enters the stage. )

Blepyrus
Who, me? O, nonononono! ( Looks back to where he was.   ) At least not any more.  Here I am, finally standing up!

Chremes
That’s the worst thing I’ve seen in my entire life! Why are you wearing your wife’s shawl?

Blepyrus
This little ol’ thing?  Just grabbed it in the dark by mistake.  (Changing the subject. ) Tell me, where are you coming from?

Chremes
From Parliament.

Blepyrus
Is it out already?

Chremes
Been out since the break of day, by Zeus! 
(Laughs.  )

Blepyrus
So, you did get your stipend, I presume.

Chremes
I’m sorry?

Blepyrus
The fee for being part of the Assembly.

Chremes
I wish! No, I was too late!  Shame!  Shame!  I’ve got to explain to my purse now why it’s empty!

Blepyrus
So… you got absolutely nothing then?

Chremes
Nothing

Blepyrus
But why were you late?

Chremes
A huge crowd of men turned up. Like never before.  They just all turned up at the Parliament.  Just like that, the whole throng together, and at the same time.  I took one look at them and thought they must have all been cobblers. Pale. As if the sun never saw their faces.  The whole place was pale… so neither I nor a whole lot of others near me got any money.

Blepyrus
So, I won’t get anything either if I go, eh?

Chremes
Where from?  You’d never get anything after the cock’s second crow!

Blepyrus
Oh no!  Fuck me dead!
(He falls to his knees and prays, mocking Aeschylus the tragedian)
Oh Antilochus, do not lament the loss of the three silver pieces  but do lament the living man! Me, Blepyrus, for all I had is no more!” (Gets up again.)
But what the hell was it that brought out such a huge throng, so early?

Chremes
Well, the  Chairman has placed in the agenda the question about how to save the city.  There he was, the first of them all, Mister Crusty Eyes Neocleidis, jumps up out of his seat, gropes his way to the speaker’s chair and gets ready to speak.  The crowd though, begins to yell, “get off!” And “How dreadful it is that this person dares to lecture us on the ways of saving our city when he can’t even save his own little eyeballs?” To which old Neocleidis looks all round him and yells, “what the hell can I do about it? Then, this guy started yelling “fuck you” to Neocledis- who, quite cleverly said “fuck you” right back to him. Then the guy yelled “No, fuck you!” which was still a good retort. So, Nepcledis comes right back with another “fuck you” which was pretty effective, but the other guy got the last word by saying “yeah, well fuck you.”  Brilliant.

Blepyrus
I’d have told him, “grind a bit of garlic with the milk of the fig tree, add some sow-thistle and apply it on your eyelids every night.”  That’s if I was there… but I wasn’t!

Chremes
That would have put him in his place.

                Blepyrus
But I wasn't there.

                Chremes
Still, not as good as telling someone "fuck you."

                Blepyrus
It's genius really.

Chremes
Speaking of geniuses, then, out comes our real genius, Eveon, wearing absolutely nothing, though he tried to convince the people that he was, indeed, wearing a cloak. His words were very… democratic! He said, “As you can see, folks,  I’m also in need of salvation. Just a mere silver drachma would do it, really.  Anyhow, I’m still going to tell you how you can save the city and its people. The moment the sun turns his back on us and is replaced by winter, the manufacturers of clothes should give coats free to anyone who asks for them.  That way, no one among us will catch pneumonia.

                Blepyrus
I always find naked people have the best ideas. 

Chremes
Next, a handsome young man  jumped to his feet and spoke to everyone. He… he argued that we should hand over the running of Athens to the women!  Well! Everyone thundered with cries of “well said!”   But then the country folk  began whispering and whining.

Blepyrus
Because, by Zeus, they’ve got brains!

Chremes
But they were fewer in number so the speaker told them to shut up. He said a whole lot of good things about the women but he said some nasty things about you!

Blepyrus
Like what?

Chremes
First, that you’re a complete jerk-off.

Blepyrus
What about you?  What did he call you?

Chremes
Nothing really.  Then he called you a moron.

Blepyrus
Oh. But, surely this was in some sort of tirade against other men too, right?

Chremes
Nope, , only you.  And, by Zeus, he called you a scum-bucket as well.

Blepyrus
Just me?

                Chremes
Yep. Weird, huh? He called you something else too, I can’t remember what it was now.

                Blepyrus
It must not have been that important, then.

Chremes
Oh yeah, he called you a shithead.

                Blepyrus
Oh.

Chremes
And he also said that whilst we, men, all cheat each other and don’t return borrowed things, the women, help each other, lend each other anything from dresses to jewellery, money, cups and saucers and they do it alone and without the presence of witnesses and they return everything on time.

Blepyrus
He’s right.  We cheat even with witnesses present!

Chremes
And then he called you a, what was it?, a "worthless bastard" and then he went on and on about all that, praising women. Gave a whole eulogy on them!  They don’t snitch, don’t sue, don’t destroy our democracy… lots of other great virtues.

Blepyrus
And what did he propose?

Chremes
That the city be turned over to the women. It was thought that this was the only thing the city hasn’t ever tried.

Blepyrus
And this proposal passed?

Chremes
Yes.!

Blepyrus
And these women are now in charge of everything that we were in charge of?

Chremes
Yep.  Exactly right.  They’re in charge.

Blepyrus
So… instead of me going to court, from now on it’ll be my wife?

Chremes
Nor will you be providing for your family any more.  Your missus will be in charge of that.

Blepyrus
So… I won’t need to moan and groan every morning, worrying about our daily bread?

Chremes
Oh, no, my friend!  From now on, it’s the wife who’ll be doing all the worrying.  No need to moan, groan or worry about a thing.  Just stay home and… ( Blepyrus farts.) …fart all day!

                Blepyrus
(They both have a good laugh). You're funny!

                Chremes
Well...

                Blepyrus
No, really. I mean, I met some funny guys in my life, but you're funny.

                Chremes
Thanks.

                Blepyrus
Most guys can tell a joke or whatever, but you- you're...whatchcallit?

                Chremes
Witty?

                Blepyrus
Yeah, that's it- witty.  That fart was really witty.

                Chremes
Thanks.  But what do you think about all that?

Blepyrus
There is an old wife’s tale that no matter how stupid or moronic our city’s advice, things will still turn out for the best.

Chremes
(Raises his hands in prayer.) Well, Goddess Athena and all the rest of you gods, I sure hope that things do turn out for the best. I’ve got to go. Cheers, friends!